As the last few days of summer start to dwindle away, I find myself not being able to sleep at night, tossing and turning, wondering if I did enough…
Did I do enough to make this summer fun for them? Did we make enough good memories? Why are so many of the bad sticking out instead? We had a harder summer than probably ever before. I was working (from home) more than I ever have since having kids. They all seemed to be at a stage in life where they were loud and messy, and I heard myself tell them too many times to quiet down, and to clean up after themselves. We also had some really hard things to deal with as a family that involved one of our children, but out of respect of their privacy I won’t share specifics, but what I can say is, to watch a child struggle is down right gut wrenching. My heart can’t help but to wonder if I did enough to help them through it. If I did enough to make them feel ready for this next chapter in their lives. If I did enough to settle their anxious heart.
The truth is, all three of my kids have pretty big chapters unfolding In front of them. My oldest is headed to middle school. That’s JUNIOR HIGH… like come on, friends?! How did I even get here?! How is he old enough to be memorizing locker combinations and setting up locker shelves and looking over class schedules. Man I’d be lying if I said this alone wasn’t enough to keep me up at night. Have I done enough to prepare him? Will he know how to handle situations that will likely be much bigger and harder than he’s ever experienced before? Have I loved him enough to assure him that we are there for him, no matter what comes his way? Have I hugged him enough while he’s still young enough and to even want those hugs?
My younger son, who is the quietest of the bunch, leaves his primary school, and will be starting in a new elementary school this year, and although he will likely be experiencing the least amount of change of the three kids… change of any sort can be tough for him. And all I can wonder is, have I done enough to prepare his nervous little self to feel confident and to find his voice? Have I done enough for him to feel brave and sure of himself amongst new walls and new teachers?
And then there’s my little girl. My baby. The one who came into this world and immediately stole all of our hearts and completed our family as a party of 5. She is headed to Kindergarten. I’ve dreaded this day for so long I can’t even begin to express how hard this has been on my heart. The truth is, she’s ready, I’m not. I’ve stayed home with my 3 children for the last 10 years (working from home for the last few years). It hasn’t Always been easy. In fact it’s sometimes been down right the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. But it’s been my whole life. For the last 5 years… this baby girl and I have been a team, while her brothers were off at school. We have shared so many memories that I am forever grateful for, but my heart still can’t help but wonder… did I do enough? Did I enjoy enough moments with her? Did I kiss her sweet little cheeks enough? Did I play with her enough? Did I teacher her what to look for in a friend? Did I teach her how to be a good friend? Did I prepare her enough to do all these big girl things without mommy there by her side? Did I look at her enough… I mean really, eye engaging look at her while she talked my ear off each lunch we had together those years of just us? Did I make her feel loved when she had a bad day? Is she leaving our home and going to the great big world of Kindergarten, feeling like she’s ready?
Did I do enough?
The answer is, I don’t know. I wish I could confidently say yes but sometimes it’s so overwhelming that it’s hard to know what enough even is…
As my years of being a stay at home mommy come to an end, my heart will always wish for just a little more time with each of them.. just them and me, before this thing we call life changes their little hearts forever. I see all the “bye Felicia” back to school posts, and I wish that were me. I wish I felt excited and ready to send them on their way, but the truth is, I’m not. We love our summers together, even the hard ones.
I often try to write words of encouragement, but I have found lately, I’m in need of a little encouragement myself. Maybe you’re feeling the same? If so, let’s take the time to pray or encourage another momma out there that you may know that doesn’t feel like enough right now, or who may be facing some difficult challenges. Sometimes it’s so hard to be vocal with others when you’re struggling. It’s so much easier to keep it all inside and smile on the outside. But sometimes the bravest thing you can do is admit you’re in need of some encouragement or prayer. ❤️
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