Dear Grandpa, I am sorry I gave up on you.

Dementia steals a lot of things. It steals memories. It steals smiles. It steals joy and laughter. It steals connections and conversations. But for so long the one thing I would always say it couldn’t steal, was love.

Until one day, it did.

It was later in the evening, later than I usually visited him but I was in the area and had the urge to see him and sneak in a hug.

I walked into my grandpas room at the nursing home, hoping he would be excited to see me, even though I knew he wouldn’t know who I was. But it usually didn’t matter because in the past he would still smile, reach for my hand and ask how I was. Sometimes he would confuse me for the nurse and other times he would think I was my mother or one of my aunts, but all the same his love still shined through. He still hugged me back, and told me to drive safe when I would leave.

But that night it was different. That night he sat lonely in his ill lit room and when I walked in he wasn’t happy to see me. He looked at me angrily and confused. When I asked him if he wanted another light on or his TV on he got frustrated and sternly told me no. He then ask me why I was there, and when I asked him if he wanted me to leave, he said yes.

I walked out of his room willing myself to hold in the tears until I reached the elevator but they started to stream down anyway.

That night, dementia stole love.

I cried the whole way home, deciding that would be my last visit with him. He was gone.

The man who walked me to my car each and every time I went to his house, always sarcastically telling me not to hit anything on the way out, was gone.

The man who has opened more doors for me than any other man in my life, no longer existed.

The man who was stern, yet gentle, strict but kind, didn’t even know who I was anymore.

After so many losses in the last few years, my heart slowly began to prepare to lose him for good. And so I stayed away, because that was easier and he wouldn’t remember anyways, right? I told myself those words over and over again.

Except, that he did.

My grandpa was put on Hospice recently and the news hit me hard, even though I knew it was only a matter of time. The day that I got the phone call, I knew I had to go see him, even if he said nothing at all, or worse even if he told me to leave again.

I walked into his room, my heart was beating so fast in anticipation for his reaction to me being there. But instead I found my sweet grandpa peacefully resting. I knelt down by his chair and held his hand, and before I knew it his eyes had opened and he looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. In that moment I felt my heart skip a bit, did he know who I was? Odds are probably not. But I could tell he knew he loved me. He nodded back off but I still talked to him anyways. Every once in a while he would open his eyes again, still happy to see me, and mutter a few things. But it was just as I was about to leave, I kissed him good-bye and he became more alert than he had been the whole time I was there and he said “I love you, drive safe”

He had given me the most precious gift of all…. he gave me my grandpa back for a few more seconds.

In that moment my heart both cheered and cried. I had given up on him. But yet here he was the whole time. Dementia may have hid his love, but he refused to let it fully steal it.

If you have a loved one with dementia or altzeimers, don’t give up on them. Have all my visits with him been just as amazing since that day? The truth is, no. There have been a few silent ones since.  So I know it’s hard. Heck, I know some days it’s straight up heart breaking, trust me, I’ve Watched my grandma unconditionally love my grandpa through all the years, even these last ones, which have been the hardest on her. She sits by his side, day after day, making sure he always gets the best care. Gracefully and selflessly loving him, even on the days when he can’t give her any love back. If dementia has taught me anything, it is this: If we could all learn to Love like my grandma loves my grandpa, and to love the way my grandpa loves us, even when he can’t always show it, this world would be such a better place.