Learning to Live Gracefully Broken

When you lose someone close to you, there is a part of you that wonders if you’ll ever go back to feeling the way you did before they were gone. Will you ever really laugh again? Like a full out laugh til it hurts kind of laugh. Will you ever not carry the weight of the loss on your shoulders? Or will you ever fully trust with your whole heart again?

The truth is, I am unsure. The truth is when someone you love dies, a little of your trust dies with them. You trusted them to be there. You trusted God to heal them. You trusted doctors to fix them. But when that doesn’t happen, and you’re faced with the reality of of never seeing them again (until we reach Heaven) that trust is lost. Yes, over time, you slowly begin to regain that trust but it takes time, and honestly I am not sure it is ever fully restored.

Each day you wake up and hope for it to hurt a little less, and some days, it does…but others days you’re not so lucky. Some days you can go the whole day without a ping of sadness, while others are filled with such grief you can hardly breath.

It’s the days in-between that you learn to live, gracefully broken.

Those are the days that you learn to live life to the fullest because you know how fragile and short it can be.

Those are the days that you make yourself laugh instead of cry because you know it’s better for the soul, and that your loved one would be angry with you for throwing a pity party for yourself, or for them.

Those are the days the you hide behind sunglasses because no matter how hard your tried to laugh, the tears made their way anyways.

Those are the days where you are quick to forgive and forget, knowing you lost so much valuable time with the one you miss so desperately because you were too stubborn to offer grace.

Those are the days where your stomach is in knots and your anxiety is through the roof, but no one can tell because you’ve learned to hide it so well that people actually think you’re doing pretty great.

Those are the days you walk a little slower and you take in the sun and breath in the fresh air, all while making promises to be better, because you truly want to be better.

Those are the days you relearn to trust the Lord again, even with a broken heart, because you know there is a greater purpose.

Those are the days where you learn that living gracefully broken is okay. That it’s okay not to have everything perfectly together, and that it’s okay to feel true joy, while also feeling the deepest pain.

So will I ever feel the way I once did before losing my best friend? The truth is, no, probably not. But I have learned living gracefully broken is, in a way, a gift. A gift that reminds us to not take things for granted. A gift that makes us feel our emotions, even when we don’t want to. A gift that allows us to love deeper, forgive quicker and understand other people’s sorrow.

It’s a gift that may harden us in the beginning but ends up making us softer and kinder than we ever were before.

And so, in true Brittany fashion, she left me with a gift. A gift that challenges me, a gift that grows me, a gift that reminds me.

Love you Drexler. 73-Soccer forever