The Stong Willed Child

All three of my children have challenged me more times than I can count. I have spent many hours retracing my past steps trying to figure out where I went wrong, usually after occasions when they have completely morphed into different children, I wasn’t aware I had. Screaming, crying, kicking and flailing, not giving any care in the world about the words that are coming out of my mouth. In those moments the 123 Magic had lost its magic, and it’s just me and them, both deciding if we are going to fight or flight. They usually chose fight, I usually wanted to flight. I remember when my oldest son was about three I ordered a book called “Raising your spirited Child” because that was the nice way of saying “strong willed” or maybe if I dare say “raising your ridiculously hard child.”

I remember getting the book and diving in head first hoping desperately to find answers on why he was so…”challenging”. Why he wouldn’t listen and threw temper tantrums every where we went. I remember thinking maybe it would teach me how to be a better mom, and give me tools on how to have a kid like “those other kids”… You know, the ones that don’t have tantrums. The ones that sit in the grocery cart for what looked to be hours never crying or screaming for a snack.

But as I read that book, I didn’t find those answers. Sure they gave certain tools to help with certain situations, some were helpful,
some were not. It gave a list of different possibilities of things that could be making him this way, only increasing my fears even more that there was something wrong with my child, but what I didn’t find was this: “He’s a child. He’s three. And he is who he is. And guess what, he’s not the only 3 year old who acts like this.”

Only I didn’t know that was the answer I even needed to hear because I was a first time mom, trying to do my best but was left feeling alone and helpless.

Fast forward 5 years and that same boy is one of the sweetest, most kind, and considerate little boys I know (who still knows how to challenge me at times). Sure I am biased because he’s my son, but remember it was not too long ago that I wanted him to be like someone else. Like another child, that guess what? Wasn’t perfect either. I can almost guarantee those children I saw sitting perfectly in their grocery cart, or playing so sweetly at the park… They were having a good day. Heck, they could have just been having a good moment that I just happened to see. Because all kids (whether parents are willing to admit it or not) have their moments. Good and bad. Glorious and mortifying. Full of brokenness and perfection. Just as we do, as adults.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that, and many nights of tears and prayers asking for patience and understanding. But as time goes on, and now that I have added 2 more children to the mix, I see that more clearly now then ever.

In fact I now have another 3 year old but this time, it’s a daughter (who prompted me to write this post). It wasn’t too long ago (a few weeks to be exact) that I stood in those same shoes (figuratively not literally) that I stood in 5 years ago. I was at the doctors office and my daughter was on the verge of an epic melt down. I could see it in her face. It wasn’t even her appointment, it was her brothers, so she really had no reason to break into melt down mode, but nonetheless, there we were.

I remember thinking “No. Please, please no. Not here, not now.”

And not because our pediatrician would have judged me as a mom or would have thought any less of my daughter, but because I had done everything I could before we came to prevent this situation. I was there for my middle child’s 6 year check up and I wanted the focus to be on him. My daughter has a BIG personality and often demands the attention of the room, but that day, in that moment it was about my little guy and I wanted to keep it that way. I had packed snacks, coloring books, small toys, water.. You name it, and I probably had it. I was prepared. Yet there I was in the middle of what felt like the hottest room on earth (because of my stress level) and I was having a show down with my three year old.

And friends, let me just stop right here and say the fact that I thought my oldest was the hardest child ever back when he was three is laughable at this point. My daughter challenges me in way I never knew possible. She can break me down so quick it’s not even funny.

So there we were at the doctors office: she’s screaming (about puzzle pieces missing maybe?) I am not even sure. And I can feel my face getting red, and not because I am going to scream or yell at her but because I just wanted to cry.

I wanted to turn around and look at my pediatrician and say,

“what am I doing wrong?”

But before I could, I heard the Doctors sweet voice (bless her for being so amazing) and she says “You’ll never have to worry about her. She will be able to stand on her own. She is strong, and knows what she wants. That’s a good thing.” And I remember just shaking my head yes and sitting back down unsure if she was coached to say that or if she read that off a meme somewhere circling on Facebook, but it didn’t matter. Because she was right. And in that moment I was reminded, she is a child. She is three. And she is who she is, and that was a beautiful thing even if it meant being challenged along the way. Because one day that same determined, big personality little girl is going to grow up to be a successful, vibrant, passionate woman who is going to continue to inspire me and to fill my heart with joy, as she does each and everyday.

I guess I am writing all of this to say, all you mommas out there that have that “strong willed child”, I know it’s hard. I know some days it feels as though their personality might break you, but it won’t. If anything, it may end up teaching you how to be a little bit more assertive yourself. And further more, it’s a blessing in disguise. To have a child who knows what they want and isn’t afraid to stand up for that, will be good for them in the long run. What our job is, is to teach them how to do that respectfully along the way. Don’t break your child’s will. Embrace it, and show them the best ways to use it.