This is a difficult post to write. One I wasn’t sure I would even share, but I feel it’s important to be honest and open, even if it only touches one person.
September used to be one of my favorite months of the whole year. It was the month I got married in, the month I had my daughter in. It’s the month that marks the beginning of fall (my favorite season of the year) and weather wise it is always a beautiful mixture of summer sun, and cool nights. It’s the perfect month to throw on a sweatshirt and jeans but still wear those beloved flip flops. And who can over look all the deliciousness of pumpkin EVERYTHING!!
But over the last five years I have often had to brace myself for September. Each year as August ends, I can feel myself silently building that wall. The wall that is going to protect me from the pain I have felt in past Septembers. The wall that’s going to hold me up so no one notices that I am falling. In years past I have often cried more in September than any other time of the year… It’s the anniversary of my best friends death, it’s the anniversary of my grandmothers death, it’s the anniversary of 9/11, and it also marks the end of summer with my kids. But this year, September is among us and for the most part (with a few bouts of tears) I have just felt numb. Like that wall is built so well, that even I can’t feel anything anymore. At first I thought this was good.. A sign I was getting stronger. A sign I was moving on in sorts. And although some of that may be true, if I were really being honest with myself I would say it’s almost the exact opposite. If anything I have buried my pain so deep down that it won’t allow me to feel anything anymore for fear I may never recover.
Last week I texted my sister and asked her for prayer. I told her my anxiety was at an all time high and that I didn’t know why. But the truth was, I knew why. September is my reminder that nothing is guaranteed. September is my reminder that everything can be taken from you in an instant. September echoes a pain in my heart that will never fully disappear. It lingers there just behind that wall, waiting to pour out at any instant. September reminds me how “weak” I really am for not being able to move past these feelings and it’s there to knock me off my feet at when ever it gets a chance.
I continued to tell my sister that if it weren’t for my panicked feeling in my chest, I wouldn’t be able to feel anything at all. And that no matter how hard I tried to prepare myself for this September I had failed.
My sister response was nothing but gentle and a listening ear. She gave her insight saying: “I don’t think we can prepare ourself except in surrender to God.” She then went on to remind me that “The armor of God in Ephesians 6 is there for this reason. The enemy hates us more than we can understand. He is the designer of anxiety. He knows if he can paralyze us, we are not going to be able to walk in freedom and not be able to show others Jesus goodness. Numbness is a step further from life. Jesus has life abundantly for us. There is still part of you that longs for it. That longs to breath and to see beauty again. You have a lovely soul that craves beauty.”
I never responded to this text.
I set my phone down and told myself she didn’t know me anymore. She didn’t know how hard my heart felt. How could I crave beauty when my mind and heart felt so empty.
But as days went by and I sat in prayer and really reflecting on who I had become, I was reminded that when we see broken, God sees beauty. He sees pieces that only he can fix, and he sees a picture being put together that no one else could ever form. The truth is, my numbness was a sign of me wanting to be in control. That wall that was built so high, was only built by me, in fear of being out of control. When Brittany and my grandma died, I was not in control. When my life was turned upside down before my eyes, I was not in control. So in a sense, I was determined to be in control, in fear of the unknown. But do you want to know what the most ironic part about that is? My fear of being out of control, triggered my anxiety so high, that it was in control, so much so that it spiritually and mentally paralyzed me. Talk about not being control….
Late last week I received a gift in the mail. It was a beautiful hard covered devotional that my sister had sent to me. There was no card, there wasn’t even a name on the box but I knew instantly it was from her. I opened it up and immediately began to read it. And in that moment not only were the words in that book exactly what I needed to read.. But the love behind this book was exactly what my heart needed to feel. My sister had filled my cup when I couldn’t. She knew me well enough to know what would spark a fire in my heart again.
So you may be asking.. Why are you telling us all of this? And here’s the simple answer: as September comes to an end, I want to share this all with you because I know somewhere out there, there is someone who felt exactly just like I have this past month. They are laying in their bed, unable to sleep, and in moments unable to breath. They are sitting with their child in their arms unable to feel. They are meeting with friends, but unable to connect.. Because they are numb. They are paralyzed by their fear or anxiety. And I want them to think about this… The control you are so desperate to have.. Is ruining you. It’s is in charge of your heart and mind right now. And friend if that’s you, I want to encourage you to release that burden. You have to give it to God and leave it at his feet. You can’t keep coming back and picking that same burden up. You have to set it down, and leave it there. Forever. That is the only way to get true freedom. Without that you will carry the same burden around for years to come, and one day it’s going to be too heavy to carry any longer. But by that time you will be too tired and worn down to care anymore. That burden will have controlled you all this time.
I pray one day you too decide to lay that burden down.
If you are reading this right now and are fortunate enough to have never felt this way, then maybe you know someone going through a difficult time, and you can see their cup is just about empty. Everything inside of them feels bone dry and they have nothing left to give. I want to encourage you to help that person in some way. Often times it doesn’t take much, it’s just simply letting them know someone is there. Praying for them, loving them and offering them hope.
Thank you for sharing this with us. September brings some anxiety here as well. Each year, I feel as though I become filled with a fear that only God can understand. Although 9/11 happened 15 years ago, I still remember what it felt like to watch the towers fall and know that so many innocent lives had been taken. The children that must have been on the planes and the fear that they had becomes my fear. I watch all the shows even if I have seen them before and my husband doesn’t understand why I want to see the reminders, but I feel as though I can’t help myself. I need to always remember the feelings I had that day. I have prayed and asked God to help me get over the fear, but as you said, we know everything can be gone in a split second.