I see you looking at me, wondering if she is still in there. I can feel you staring at me when you don’t think I am paying attention. I always wonder if you are looking at my aging skin and dark circles under my eyes.. Or if you notice the gray hairs starting to pop through. Maybe you’re curious as to where my sense of adventure went or pondering why there are more days that I am tired than energized. I know you’re wondering if she’s still in there. Is the young vibrant girl who always made you laugh and gave you butterflies, gone for good or is she tucked away in there somewhere, hiding so well that you fear she’s gone forever?
I have to be honest: I sometimes wonder that too. I feel her absence more now than ever. I feel stretched too thin and many moments feel like it may only take one more thing to happen before I officially have a nervous breakdown. I look at myself in the mirror and hardly recognize the woman looking back at me. Where did my nice smooth skin go? How did my hair get so frizzy and these dark circles around my eyes appear, (that no amount of concealer) can fix. I remember when I could roll out of bed, brush my teeth, wash my face and throw on some old jeans and feel okay going out in public.. Long gone are those days. Now when I do that people ask me if I am sick or didn’t sleep well. Either option would probably suffice.
So as you sit there looking my way.. I ask you to remember this: those dark circles under my eyes, those are from being up at night with whichever child needed me most, and if they slept well, then chances are I was still up tossing and turning, while praying for God’s protection over you and our children. When you fear that my adventurous spirit is gone forever, remember that for this season in life, adventures now look more like scavenger hunts and trying out a new playground, but that too will change in time. I know that date night may have went from fancy dinners and movie theater viewings, to homemade dinner and redbox movies. But I hope that is just as special for you, like they have become for me.
When you see me cry and breakdown out of feeling so overwhelmed, I ask that you still hug me and know that these tears and fears are only because I want what’s best for us in life. Every single worry I have is because I love our family so much that sometimes it’s hard not to worry about that being broken or lost some how.
I pray that if a younger, more beautiful women looks your way, you remember that there’s a wife at home that loves you more than you love yourself and that deep inside that wife is still a young girl who made life long plans with you and she’s trusting you to hold up your side of the deal. I know some days it may feel as though that wife is lost among dirty dishes, cranky kids and piles of laundry but I pray you never forget that each dish she washes and each tear she wipes away, she does to make your little family as happy as possible. Remember that no matter how many disagreements you may face, there is a woman there waiting for you to forgive her, or willing to forgive you. Because, the truth is, that young girl you fell in love with all those years ago, is standing right in front of you. She is still willing to live out life plans with you even if those plans may change along the way. She might be a little bossier, and a little more irritable than she once was, and she may look different than she used to, but she loves you just the same.
So tonight as you look my way, I will wink back at you, letting you know not to worry, I promise, I’m still here. XO
Crying as I’m reading this. It’s funny, I was thinking some of those very same thoughts as I rocked the little man in the middle of the night.
Wow, that was amazing. I truly have been blessed with an amazing wife and best friend. I’m still here too! Love you!
What a beautiful letter, I know there will be many wives that appreciate this as much as I do.
Thank you so much Kelly <3
This is beautiful! My husband and I get caught up in being parents and sometimes I feel like we aren’t as connected as we were when we were younger. (I’ve known him since I was 17). Then something will happen to test our resolve and we rediscover in each other what is truly important, our undying love for each other and our commitment to give our children the best life we can. Best of luck to you and your husband 🙂
Yes, I love that Yanique.. that often happens to us too. Its neat to see how we overcome the different trials and tribulations in life, mostly due to the love we do have for each other 🙂 My husband and I have also been together since I was 17. Crazy how quick the years go by!
So sweet! I suggested Redbox and a pizza to my husband the other night 🙂
Definitely some of our favorite date nights these days 🙂
This is beautiful Nichole. I often wonder what happened to the young girl I used to be, but there are always little signs that she is still a part of me. Your life does change through all the stages, and just as you change, your husband changes too. We are now married 32 years, kids flown and we are working to figure out who we are as a couple now. It is a good place to be.
Congratulations Michele on 32 years! That is no small feat! As much as I love these years with our kids being young, I do look forward to years to come when my husband and I feel like a couple again.
Such a sweet sentiment. Beautifully written.
Thank you very much Ann
That was heartfelt and I love that your husband responded 🙂
Thank you Lydia, I was surprised to see him respond too… it was a nice to see it
Honesty and love are the two things that we should always fight for. You proved both…
Wow, thank you, I sincerely appreciate that.
Totally speechless. Beautiful words. Thank you for sharing this with all of us.
Thank you so much Antonio
This is one of the sweetest and truest things I’ve ever read, Nicole. Your husband is very lucky and I’m sure he knows that. 🙂
Thank you so much Leslie, it was a hard one to “put out there” in the internet world, but felt it was important to be honest and true about what marriage looks like sometimes.
This is so sweet! We have changed, but life is all about change. My husband and I met when I was 18 and he was 22. We are now 34 and 30. We were just having a conversation that we like seeing the tiny wrinkles pop up, it shows the years we have been together. We have been married almost all of our adult years. We have had so many transitions and changes. This time with young kids and hectic schedules will transition into something else. Having each other there through it all is the important part!
Thank you Emily! My husband and I were almost the same ages as yours when we got together! And yes, I agree that is the most important part.
What a beautiful heartfelt letter! Hope your husband appreciates and loves you just as much!
I so need to do this how neat and aweosme !!! This is truly perfect.
I love this letter – I think it works both ways. As a parent, I get too involved with the kids and tend to forget about the needs of my spouse.
This is the story of so many of us, and you worded it beautifully. It’s hard to remember that nurturing our marriage and taking care of ourselves is an important part of being a good parent.
Hello- can I subscribe to your site for your posts with my email?
Thank you, Elena
Yes Elena, yes you can subscribe by putting your email in the subscribe box up on the right hand side of this page. I am happy you will be joining the Mommy’s Front Porch View readers!
My husband and I just took a small trip together with our grand doll and I found us riding for almost 5 hours in the car with not much to say to each other and once we did, it turned into a big misunderstanding. I wondered if I was still the one he wants to be with. I know I have changed a lot through the years and I realize that I certainly am bossier and not the same sweet girl, but I still love him.
Worthy words! So many husbands and wives forget that the person they married is still there, but in just a different fashion. My husband and I seem to go hours without speaking but I love him more than I did almost 22 years ago when we wed. Children and grandchildren, aging parents, etc. have just taken a toll that has changed how I look and feel.