November 5th, 2015. I made sure to take note of the date as I rocked my baby girl back to sleep that night. It’s the first time she has woken up at night in months. She hardly even cried yet I found myself nearly running to her room to hold her the minute I heard her sweet voice cry out “Mama.” I scooped her up in my arms and rocked her until her body became limp against mine. As I sat in her moon lit room, I couldn’t help but to wonder if this was the last time she would fall asleep in my arms. She hadn’t needed me this way in so long, and the possibility that she may never need me in this exact way again loomed in every crease of my heart. All I could do was whisper:
“Please, let me remember this. I don’t want to forget how this feels. I don’t want to forget how she smells and how soft her skin feels against mine. Please let me remember this very moment. But please God, don’t let this be the last time I rock my baby to sleep.”
Because the truth is, I don’t remember the last time I rocked my boys to sleep. I don’t remember what their sweet baby skin felt like and I don’t remember when they needed me last to fall back asleep. Somehow the years have passed and they do it all on their own. And each night as I go in to give them one last kiss goodnight, I look at their little faces fast asleep and wonder what their last thought was before they drifted off to dream.
To be totally honest, the last few days have been rough. My daughter seemed to cry longer and louder than usual. It has felt as though my youngest son was on a mission to complain the entire day and my oldest son never seems to hear me. The dishes just keep reappearing and I swear the laundry breed’s overnight. I have been more tired than usual and have been at my wits end multiple times. When bedtime came for the kids, I was practically tossing them in bed, so excited to not have to take care of anyone for a little while. To just have a few minutes of not being needed.
Sometimes it’s so hard to always be needed.
Yet the minute I heard my baby girls voice in the middle of the night I needed to be with her. I wanted to be with her, and I wanted that moment to last a lifetime. That’s the weird thing about motherhood no one really tells you before becoming a mom. No one told me that one minute I would cry so desperate to have a few minutes alone and the next minute I would cry at the thought of not being needed and finding myself suddenly all alone. Everyone just says “you’re going to miss this” and often times, as they are offering that token of advice, it’s in the moments I need to hear anything but that. More times than not, in that very minute, I am feeling like I am failing as a mom somehow and that is definitely a feeling I will not miss. I am also a firm believer in living fully in the moment so that I won’t have regrets later, but what I never really took note of was that one day, without any notice at all… my little ones wouldn’t be so little anymore. One day they won’t need me to rock them to sleep, and one day they won’t need me to zip their coat or hold their hand as they cross the street. One day it just ends, and you never know when that last time will be. It’s just gone. That’s what I wish someone would have told me. I know it may seem obvious, but for some reason when you are in the midst of this season of motherhood, you forget that, until one day you look up and realize it’s already gone.
So friends, this isn’t a post to tell you “you’re going to miss this” because the truth is, you may not miss everything about these stages. You may not miss those sleepless nights; you probably will never miss those dirty diapers. You may never give the fact that you are no longer needed to help your little one on the potty another thought and you certainly won’t miss the tantrums in the middle of Target. But what you will find is that one night, you are rocking your not-so-baby boy or girl to sleep and it might very well be your last time. And those, my friends, are the moments to savor. Those are the moments I hope you hang on to for a little longer than you might have in the past. Those are the times I pray you engrave into your heart to look back on for the years to come. Because one day it will be the last time, but your memory of that precious time will last a lifetime.
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I love your essays, they keep my memories alive. You cause me to reflect on raising my children and those sweet and sometimes awful memories. Ann
Thank you so much Ann. Its definitely a bitter sweet season in life. Some days are so hard, and others are almost magical. But no matter what, each day is blessed.
Beautiful post. I relate so much. I always tell my friends that my daughter growing from an infant to a toddler is bitter-sweet. Sometimes in the thick of the craziness of infancy we just want things to be “normal”, but once they are we miss what once was. I find myself missing the first 12 months of my daughters life all the time… And I definitely miss rocking her to sleep at night.
Thank you so much Sue, and exactly, in the thick of the craziness it feels like almost too much. But once the crazy parts start to slow down, you wonder what was so hard about it, and almost wish for it all back. Who knew motherhood would be such a whirlwind of emotions? I certainly didnt!
Beautifully written and so well said. My son is four now. There are many things I don’t miss but definitely some I do! Thanks for sharing!
Thanks Tiffany!
Such a beautiful post. It is so true, we are definitely told “You’re gonna miss this” but it is often during times we may not miss. Reminding ourselves of what we WILL miss is important. Thanks for reminding me of this <3
Thank you, Kim. I am so glad you could relate to the post, its always so nice to know when we arnt the only ones feeling this way in this journey called motherhood! Thanks for stopping by Mommy’s Front Porch View! I hope you stop by again 🙂
I cried. It is so true. I love your story. Thank you so much for sharing.
Aww Jen, I am so glad it touched you.
Well said!
I honestly enjoyed motherhood more after my children gained a bit of independence. But I do enjoy the baby moments with my grandson.
Good Lydia!! That gives me hope that I won’t be so sad once they are all grown!! I am sure I will love the grand baby stage just as much!!
This is SO sweet. It’s a good reminder to me to enjoy EVERY moment.
Hi Nicole, I really enjoyed your article.
I just scheduled it to go up on our #mommitment FB page.
Thank you so much Orana!! I sincerely appreciate the share!
They grow up so fast.
This made me tear up. I pray all the time that I remember certain aspects of my daughter’s babyhood. We take tons of pictures and videos but they don’t do justice to the sweet private moments that just the two of you share. I pray that I’ll always remember them.
Wiping away tears at this sweet post. I think this is one great thing about having several kids. You miss those moments the first few times but then you start to see what happens and realize how precious the little things are and savor them more with your younger kids. My “baby” just turned 11 and she still likes to come get in bed with me in the middle of the night. I remember my boys who are now 20 and 21, who used to drive me crazy when they would come into my bed, lie one on each side of me, and fight over which direction I would face. “Mommy! Look at me!” “No! Look at me!” I DO miss those days and I’m in no hurry to tell her she’s too old for this (although one kid in the bed at a time is a bit easier!).
Oh my goodness Leslie! My boys do that EXACT same thing!!! Too funny… oh how I will miss that. Maybe Ill have to have another baby in 10 years 😉
I enjoyed reading your post and for the great reminders. I can relate to this post on many levels. As a mom of older kids (college age) and a kindergartener, I cherish every moment with my little one because I know kids grow up fast and we will miss those moments of hearing a young child cry, sleepless nights, being needed, and much more!
Thank you Kim, that means a lot coming from someone I admire as a blogger <3