When you become a parent there are moments where you first really start to feel like a mom or dad. The more obvious moments are when your baby is placed in your arms for the very first time or when you see your baby’s first smile. Even the sleepless nights really make you feel like the parent because you are the only one there to make them stop crying and make sure they are loved, fed and dry. But there are also those not so obvious points in time.. The ones not many others may share because they are special to just you, yet they could probably relate because they too have an unlikely moment when they first felt like a parent. For me, it was filling this little white bowl.
When I first had my oldest son, I remember getting this bowl out of the cupboard and designating it the “nuk” bowl. It would be the bowl that I would keep all the bottle nipples and the pacifiers in once they were boiled and sterilized and ready for my little man to use. I remember filling that bowl and feeling so excited. I had my very own nuk bowl. Weird I know. But to me, I had thought about this nuk bowl before. I had seen a few different moms throughout my years of struggling with infertility take out a basket or bowl filled with nuks and bottle tops and I remember craving that bowl. I desperately wanted to have my very own nuk bowl to fill. Again, weird I know. But as I saw them pull out that bowl or basket and grab that nuk that seemed to soothe their baby instantly, they looked so happy. I wanted to be happy. And when it was finally my turn to fill my own bowl, I was beyond happy. I was over joyed. I finally felt like a mommy. The funny thing ended up being that my oldest son HATED nuks, and bottles. So that bowl got very little use. But as the years went on, I continued to refill that bowl each time I had a baby, and the items inside ended up getting more use with my other two children. And each time I cleaned and filled that bowl, I felt a sense of excitement. So happy to be able to be a mommy of the babies that will use these items.
Today, As I cleaned my cupboards, I opened the cupboard doors and knew it was time to get rid of the bottles that were taking up a ton of space. My daughter is turning 2 at the end of the week and she no longer uses them, yet I have kept them around “just in case she needed them”… But today I slowly but surely removed every bottle from the shelf. Each bottle I packed away made my heart hurt a little. I am not sure why, I nursed all of my babies, and they really only had bottles when they started to drink milk, yet those bottles, and packing them away felt like the end of an era. I have had bottles in my cupboard for 6 1/2 years now. But today, they are now gone.
As I stood and reached up to the top shelf, I felt my fingers hit something. It was the little white bowl. It had been untouched for quite sometime now. As I pulled it down and peeked inside I saw all the tiny nuks and bottle tops and my heart felt a rush of happiness followed by complete sadness. I will never fill that bowl again. It’s served it’s purpose for six wonderful years but was no longer needed. After staring at the bowl for some time, I went to throw out the contents that filled it, but found I just couldn’t do it. I slowly slid the bowl back to the top shelf and decided it’s where it will stay until my heart is ready to say goodbye. To some this may seem silly, because in many ways it really is. And others may say “just have another baby then!” But that’s not the solution either, because no matter how many times I fill that bowl, I will never want it to be my last time.
I found today that the bowl really represents my womb. Something I never had really thought of before. All those years ago, when I longed for my own “nuk bowl”.. It really had nothing to do with the bowl at all. I longed for my womb to be filled. I longed for my own baby. And today, I realized, no matter how many bowls I filled, or how many children I carried, there will always be that part of me that wants to fill it one more time. Because to me, that has always felt like true happiness. And even though my husband and I know we are done having kids, and feel beyond blessed for the children we have been given, I will forever want that little white bowl to remain in my cupboard.
XO Nicole
It’s true! It’s says in scripture the things that are never satisfied; the grave, the barren womb, the thirsty desert, the blazing fire.
So, now you know why I have had so many!! 😉
Children are a gift.
I’m just suggesting but one day you could use it for the grandbabies whenever you get the wonderful chance to watch them 🙂 or pass it on to your daughter so you can go over there and just help her wash the nuk bottles so she can get a little mommy break. Those days don’t have to be fine, just many many years from now you can remember how special the bowl meant while still taking care of your babies when they are adults 🙂
Thats a great idea Grethchen!
I hope you will find another use for that little bowl. You have had one tradition with it, but now you can start another one. Maybe use it for a special treat on birthdays, or as the place you store baby teeth or….the sky is the limit. I hope you transform it into something else.
Thank you, I will for sure. Some have suggested saving it and giving it to my daughter some day… but in the mean time I think I will make use of it another way 🙂
Oh, Nicole, this was so beautiful and made me cry.