What the death of a friend has taught me:

Today marks 4 years since the passing of my dear friend, Brittany. For those of you who are new to Mommy Talk, or don’t know the history behind this, I will try to give you a quick understanding. One of my very best friends, Brittany, was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer (for the second time) only a few weeks after the birth of her daughter. At the time she also had a 1 1/2 year old son. Only this time the cancer had spread to other parts of her body. On September 2nd, 2011, after a very tough fight, and nothing but a postive and graceful attitude, she went home to be with the Lord. Her death was life changing for a lot of people, but I can only speak from my point of view, and that’s a point of view of a life long friend. The death of my friend taught me this:

1. There is no other pain like the death of a loved one can bring upon you. Some days the pain is so thick it feels as though it might suffocate you. It lives in part of your heart that you didn’t know existed. It takes over your body and in moments you have no control over your mind, heart or emotions. It’s like a living disease that slowly eats away at you. There are days when you feel good, great even.. and just like that something will happen that will make you re-live the moment of losing her all over again, only each time it seems to punch you in the stomach a little harder than it did the last time.

2. Talking about the deceased with someone who hasn’t experienced death of a loved one makes them Squeamish. And here is what I mean by this- I cant tell you the amount of times, I have had to lead a conversation with “Not to bring up something depressing..” or “I am telling you this because it was a funny memory, not to make things sad”… in order to make someone else more “comfortable” with talking about someone who was such a huge part in my life. I never understood how important it is to let someone who has lost a loved one TALK ABOUT THEM…and to laugh with them, and to reminisce memories with them. I think what people forget is, the memories are all we have left. Sometimes we worry if we don’t talk about the memories, not only will our memories fade… but so will the legacy of our loved ones. We don’t want them to be forgotten. We don’t want to pretend they never existed. They existed…Talk about them. Please when I bring up the name Brittany, don’t winse. Don’t fidget. Ask me about her. She may not be here to meet, but I assure you, she is still worth getting to know.

3. When you are “just the friend” of someone who has passed, you often don’t know your place. You know the family is hurting in ways you could never imagine, so you don’t ever want to show the pain you are also feeling of loosing that person to them, because you would never want them to think you were comparing the pain you are experiencing with the pain they are feeling..Yet you want them to know how much their family member meant to you, but are afraid they are hurting too much to hear how much you miss them. So I often found myself saying nothing at all but then feeling like the person I just wrote about above. I know this may sound like I am over thinking this.. and I might be, its kind of my thing.. but again, its how I have learned how to process parts of death. There are no rules that tell you how to proceed after a part of your heart feels like its been ripped from your chest.. you just move slowly shuffling through the dark hoping to find a glimmer of hope that one day this all wont hurt so much.

4. One of the hardest things I have learned is, how quickly someone will question your faith once you have been faced with such loss. I don’t know how many people have asked me in one way or another.. How do you still believe in a God who took your best friend? And you know what? I don’t have an easy answer for that. I cant tell you I have not been angry with God. I have. I have cried out to him more times than I can count,desperately asking why he didnt just heal her and I have straight up given him the silent treatment for longer than I care to admit. I have dove in to scripture trying to find answers, and I have set the Bible aside so long it got dusty. Does this mean I strayed from my faith or doubted God? No. It means I have struggled to understand the reasoning behind death, just like so many of you have, and I am not sure that’s something Ill ever figure out (here on earth anyways)..but what I do know is, there is always a greater purpose. We may not know what that is in the moment, but I trust there is one. To some that may seem foolish, and to others that may seem naive, but to me, I have seen time and time again, Gods true purpose of sometimes life changing situations. Maybe not in the timing I would have liked, and maybe not even the answer I would have prayed for. So, I encourage you to really invested time with the Lord yourself, before you question where someones relationship stands with God because he may reveal to you just how someone who has endured such pain can maintain such faith. Because to be frank, without God, I wouldn’t be who I am today, and I do believe there is a purpose. I am able to now pray for peace and wisdom on how to keep going and not feel like I was broken all of the time. Some days, that’s all I feel. Broken. But other days, I feel alive, and full and joyful and I realize more often than not, those days are the days I chose to trust God. I chose to believe in his plan for me, and live it. And that’s what keeps me going.

5. People want to mend you. When someone significant in your life dies, a piece of you dies with them. I have found there will always be someone who wants to fix that piece, or at the very least, wants to put a time limit on your pain. But what they are not understanding is that, that piece is not replaceable, or repairable and that ticking timer they have in the reflection of their eyes only makes the pain worse. So instead of trying to fix the pain, pray for them, hug them, listen to them. Stop trying to fix it, and instead try to understand it.

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