I find myself not writing about things that are happening in my life, unless they are relevant to other people. But today I had to remind myself that this blog is for me. Yes I love the fact that people take the time to read it, and can usually relate to it, but sometimes I have to write because its on my heart… It may not be for everyone and some may not understand at all. But I am okay with that. Today I am writing for my grandma. One of the strongest, bravest woman I know.
This past weekend she had to make a decision that most of us hope we never have to make. She had to let my grandpa go to a nursing home, even though she desperately didn’t want to. This decision has been excruciating for her, and it has broken her down in tears more times than I can count, but today… Today broke my heart.
My grandpa has dementia, and there are days he doesn’t know where he is or who she even is for that matter. There are days where he forgets how to do simple every day things we take for granted day in and day out. But he never has had to look too far for help, because his bride is always waiting there, just a few steps away. Even now, he is in the nursing home and yet she was there first thing today with his morning paper, and inspecting how much of his breakfast he ate.
I left my grandpa’s “new home” today with such a heavy heart. I called to check on my grandma after I left because I could tell she was upset while we were there, and I heard her crying tears that I could tell came from deep within. For the first time in my 32 years of knowing her, my beautiful, confident, and brave grandma looked and sounded unsure. Unsure of the next steps to take, unsure of the decisions that needed to be made, but what broke my heart the most was she was unsure of the wife she had become….
As I hung up the phone I couldn’t stop thinking about those tears that must have been flowing down her face. How could she not know what an amazing wife she is.. and then it hit me.. all these years have gone by and together they made their pair. Together, they were husband and wife. But in more recent years, as his memory began to fade.. her own memories felt more distant. The less he knew her as his wife, the less she knew herself.
So I want to remind my grandma who her and my grandpa are.
You are the wife who has loved this man for almost 60 years. You are the wife who has cared for his children, and has made him dinner by 5:00. You are the wife who wiped away his tears and held his hand when he needed to know you were close. You were the wife who let him wake up every child in the house before he went to work, just to kiss them goodbye. You are the wife who has spent more hours than we can possibly count praying for him, asking the Lord to protect, and to love him always. You are the wife that shows patience of a saint, and is faced with more challenges than any of us know. You are the wife who has left parties much sooner than you would have liked, but knew he was getting overwhelmed. You are the wife who has brought him to every doctors appointment, and made every phone call in hopes to find him help. You are the wife who hasn’t slept, because you were up all night checking on him or worrying about him. You are the wife who used to laugh at his jokes, because he always knew how to make you smile. You are the wife who puts on the music he loves, to soothe him when he’s had a bad day. You are the wife who has shown each of her daughters and granddaughter how to love unconditionally and whole-heartedly. You are the wife that loves him, even when he can’t always show that he loves you back.You are the wife who loves him enough to let him go and get the care he needs even though that means you are left alone.
You, my wonderful grandma, are a wife that most men can only dream of, and most certainly the bride Grandpa has always wanted. Please never forget that.
I love you grandma.
XO Nicole
Whelp, the tears just keep flowing. Grandma is for sure the most beautiful and selfless person. I always told her I wanted to be just like her when I grew up, gray hair and all. She would laugh and act like that was a crazy thing to think. But now looking back, I know it was her heart that I wanted to be like. She has always put everyone else first. It’s her Christ-likeness that drew us all in. She is amazing. The love that they share will never die and will remind us to put the other first. Grandpa always seemed so proud of her, even when he would roll his eyes and pretend he was annoyed with some little thing she did or said. You knew he was actually loving it! We are blessed to have witnessed this beautiful, sometimes messy love of theirs.