The Gift of Friendship

I have wanted to write a post on friendship so many different times. But every time I go to write one, I get stuck. Unsure where to go with it, unsure how to start or how to end.. Do I start with the fact that I no longer have one of my best friends? That she died almost 4 years ago to ovarian cancer and that for the longest time I did not want to get that close to a friend again? Or do I talk about the friends who pushed their way in anyways, because they knew better than I did, that I needed them more than they needed me? My heart feels pulled in a hundred different directions. I want this to be an uplifting post, because I have some pretty incredible girlfriends… But I also want it to be real, and with real I have to talk about the pain.

So here it goes.. My honest take on friendship.

After losing my dear friend Brittany (we are talking BFF’s since diapers here) I became shut off. I had a few other really good girlfriends who I stayed in touch with, but even with them I only gave them so much of me. I could not, no more like,  I would not be hurt like that again. I was not going to allow myself to make life long plans with a best friend who may just not be there one day. In a way, I felt ripped off. I felt like I had done that once and look where it had got me….

Bitter. Hurt. Conflicted. Painfully sad. Heart broken. Closed off.

 

In fact in all honesty, I was angry at my friend for dying. I know this might sound crazy, because let’s be honest, it kind of is. But I was. I remember sitting at her grave site one day and almost giving her the silent treatment. I wanted to feel close to her, but didn’t know what to say to the person who left me here broken in tiny little pieces. So I just sat there for what felt like eternity staring at this rectangle of dirt covered ground where my friends body now laid. And I didn’t say a word. I sat there numb unsure what to do with myself from here.

During all of this my husband, our 2 kids and I had moved into a new house, which was the source of so many more emotions and I remember sitting on my front lawn one day not too long after the whole grave yard incident and I remember looking at all the houses around us and praying for friendship through tears. Deep sorrow tears. I didn’t know what kind of friend I could even be at that moment in my life, because the truth was I had already put up such high walls around me that some of my older friendships had also slowly started to fade away. I knew I needed to fix that. I just wasn’t sure how.

Well… Let me tell you, The Lord has a good sense of humor. He didn’t just give me a friendship after that prayer… He flooded me with friendships. Not only did older friendships start to repair, but new friends started to literally spring up around every corner. Most of these women had no clue what I was feeling or going through but man they were stinkin persistent…. And as the months went by and I got to know each one of them better, the more I realized they all added to my life in a way I was desperately needing. The closer I became with them, the more I saw they each were taking a turn knocking down all those walls around my heart.

 

 

I finally saw how the loss of such an amazing friendship had the power of teaching me to really value the friendships I had now, both new and old.

 

I found that my girlfriends who also lost Brit in their lives, needed me, just as much as I needed them. I learned the more I opened up to them about the suffering I had been experiencing, the more they shared with me that they had been feeling the same way. We learned we could give those long tight hugs where no words were needed, and that was okay because we knew the pain we were both feeling, yet we were so thankful we still had each other. Our friendship may have grown over sorrow, but it blossomed into one of the most amazing friendships a girl could ask for.

I also had girlfriends who were not close with Brittany, but watched the pain of both her struggle and mine.. and I knew their hearts broke right along with mine when she went to be the Lord. They hurt because I hurt.  I was able to finally see that they had patiently waited for me to come back around after pushing them away when the pain was just too great, and that in fact those friendships had never really faded at all.

I suddenly also had new friendships that opened their arms wide and took me in, wounded bird and all, never pushing for answers, but always willing to listen. Girlfriends who genuinely wanted to hangout with me, and that learned quickly how to make me laugh, and yet took the time to let me cry. They taught me that it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known someone for… Sometimes the most wonderful friendships come later in life and come into your life at the exact moment when you both needed them most.

As I sit in my yard today, in the very same spot as I did 3 years ago, my heart feels full. I look down the street and see neighbors who have become friends. I look at my phone and see daily texts from friends I may not see every day but that always are checking in, sending a quick laugh, or asking for advise or just simply saying hi. These moments are the times where I know that no matter how much pain losing a friend may cause… The things I have learned, and the love I have in my heart for each one of my dear friends, makes the risk of possibly feeling such pain again absolutely worth it.

I think one of Gods greatest gifts is friendship. Without friendship I would not be who I am today. Yes, I have a wonderful husband, and family.. but there is just something about those specific girlfriends who carry you through life. So I wanted to take this time to thank all my wonderful girlfriends out there reading this. ♥I love you girls so very much ♥

X♥O Nicole

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