“Let your yes be yes, and your no be no” was one of the most valuable pieces of advice I have ever received. I have been known to over pack my calendar, and take on too much in order to keep everyone around me as happy as possible. At times, it has gotten to the point where I have made my self physically sick from stress and exhaustion, and in most cases not everyone was happy.. no matter how many yeses I gave, they always wanted more.
I was talking to this amazing elderly woman I knew, Carol, (she is no longer with us) and she said “Nicole, you have yourself to blame. You run yourself ragged because you don’t say no. You need to learn to let your Yes’s be yes, and your no’s be no!” I did not know at the time this advice was actually biblical, and I light-heartedly took the advice and laughed it off, knowing full well I would still let my job at the time completely drain me, along with many other people in life. It was easier for me to just say yes, than to worry about saying no.
I didn’t realize how much I needed this advice, until I became a mom. I tried doing and pleasing as many people as I did before having kids.. dragging my son every where I thought I needed to be, or letting people come over when we both really just desperately needed to nap. I quickly learned my yeses and no’s weren’t just about me anymore. My son was counting on me to really make both my yes and no count. To not over pack our schedule to the point of exhaustion, while still figuring out on when to say yes to new experiences and adventures we both could learn from. As the years went by, and I had two more children I found myself saying no to my kids way more than I would say yes. For some reason my instinct was to say no to them, but yet I was still saying yes to everyone else. “Mommy can we do play-doh?”- “No, not today, it’s too messy.” “Mommy can we stay up late tonight”- “No, you need your sleep” when in reality it was me that was exhausted and needed the sleep, more than likely because of all the yeses I was keeping up with outside of my home. I was rocking my daughter to sleep one night and felt a huge check in my heart. Why were others still getting so many more of my yeses when the ones I loved most in my life got no’s. I thought back to the advice Carol gave me years before and realized if I didn’t start to follow that advice soon, I was going to look back at my children’s childhood and resent not only the people I gave all my yeses to, but I was going to be mad at myself for not prioritizing better. I needed to be able to say NO to other people in order to make room for more yeses with my own family. And when I told those other people No, I shouldn’t feel obligated to follow it up with a long-winded excuse of why not. It’s okay to sometimes just simply say no. It is impossible to say yes to everyone. But when I do say yes, and commit or invest in something, I want my yeses to count, and go to the ones who will actually appreciate them, because I can promise you this, the ones who got most of my yeses in the past, were not grateful for them. In fact they only pushed harder to get more yeses from me never once thinking how all those very yeses were forcing me to say no to the rest of my life.
I also learned my yes and no effected my kids in other ways as well. I found myself often wavering my yeses and no’s when answering them. One day I would say “No you can’t have a snack before dinner” other days I was too tired to be firm so I would give in and hand them a bowl of pretzels, fully aware this would have an impact on their dinner. Other times I would say yes to splashing in the puddles, but the next time it rained would be yelling “Why did you just jump in that puddle now you’re soaked and we are supposed to be leaving for school!” I could see their confusion, not understanding why one day its okay and the next it’s not. I found that I needed to really think about why I was saying yes or no, and then stick to it. I couldn’t one day say yes to the snack and then the next day say no because I was too tired to deal with the meltdown. In fact I found the more I stuck to my yes or no the less melt downs there were. The expectation was set, and they eventually knew better than to even ask for a snack before dinner. I also couldn’t expect them to understand at such young ages why one day it was okay to jump in the puddles (with rain gear on, and no where to go after) and why the next time it wasn’t okay (in clean, nice clothes on the way to school). It was my job to teach them that. It’s still a major work in progress, but I am slowly but surely being more assertive and consistent with my answers, in all areas of my life.
So starting today I encourage you to take that advice I received years ago, and let your yes be yes and your no be no.
X♥O Nicole
You give such great advice to people of all ages through a story. Awesome! And again great advice.
Thank you Joy!! You are always full of encouragement and sweetness… You were definitely names appropriately!! 😉
Omg. That comment made my day! 🙂 Thank you so much lovely!
Great advice! My mom has always told me that advice. I never use to know the word “NO” especially when people wanted me to watch their kids, or do something for them no matter how busy I was! I also agree you have to say No and mean it. This is something I try working hard on with my little one!! Thanks for sharing!!!
Its so hard sometimes isnt it??! I guess as long as we are trying our hardest thats gotta count right?! 😉
These are words my husband and I tell my kids all the time, but we always try to live by. Very great post!
Thank you!!
Totally agree! Such a hard thing to learn but boy does it save you. (PS, blogging tip – separate your paragraphs more, they are little length which makes them harder to read!)
Thank you! As for the spacing.. do you mean each line in the paragraph, or just each paragraph itself? I have two spaces in between each paragraph right now…
Great advice and so true. A good friend of mine has this problem, getting her daughter AND herself involved in too many activities… she’s a leader of girl scouts, she agreed to help put together an auction for her daughter’s school last year and ran herself ragged running errands for it, etc. Through personal observation I have an understanding how taking on too many things can not only exhaust a person, but it can also take away from time with the family. That said auction had her daughter AND her husband frustrated, it was taking up so much of her time! Needless to say, she won’t be signing on for that again this year! 😉
Hahaha Oh man, your poor friend, I can so feel her pain!! Glad she gave up the auction lol
I shared this yesterday. Such good advice! I especially like the way you relate it to being consistent with your kids.
Thank you so much for Sharing and always take the time to encourage me and my writing! It means a lot!!
Oh yes! Haha. I started actually doing this a while back and it’s been a life changer. Great post!
Thank you!!! <3
Very good points to remember. My mom used to say something similar that I used as a parent. “If you “promise” your child something, then carry through.” The “promise” might be of a consequence for an unacceptable behavior or it might me some type of treat, just keep your word.
I 100% believe in keeping your promises! Your mom sounds like she was a very wise lady!!!
This is an excellent point and great story. There are so many times when I have to stop myself and think about my priorities before responding with a yes or a no. This is very important at advice for so many people especially parents. Thanks for the insightful post!
Jacquelyn
Thank you so much Jacquelyn!
Great advice, thanks for sharing!
Thank you!
Very sound advice! In my 20’s I was a chronic people pleaser and it was exhausting. My husband called me out on it and encouraged me to be more assertive by learning to say ‘NO’ The funny thing is that most people respected when I had to say no! I was always so afraid I would upset them and in reality it was all in my head. Great post!
Such a good point!! I have found that too (people respecting No).. I wish I had tried it sooner 😉