My husband and I dated 5 years before getting married. When the day finally came I remember hardly being nervous at all. Sure I was nervous about standing in front of all those people and saying my vows and possibly messing them up, and I was nervous about everything going perfectly as planned (which it didn’t haha, but really what is perfectly as planned anyways?) But I wasn’t nervous about walking down the aisle to the man at the other end. I knew I loved him. I knew I wanted to marry him and I knew we would spend forever together. Our day was beautiful, and was one of the best days of my life. We went on our honeymoon, and felt more in love than ever before.
It wasn’t until about a month after being married that I sat on the couch in my family room, all alone (Mike was still at work, he often worked later than I did) and I began to bawl. I had never felt so alone. Here I was a newly wed, living in a “big girl” house with the man I had wanted to marry since our first date. But I felt completely alone. I began to question all of my decisions and honestly felt so overwhelmed by the whole marriage thing. I had spent the previous year planning every last detail of our fairy tale wedding, running around to stores and vendors and sending out invitations and all the things us brides do, but I hadn’t prepared myself at all for the actual marriage part. I honestly did not think it would be all that different from dating, other than the living together part. I could not have been more wrong. Marriage was a lot different, and that living together part was a huge adjustment. I was learning quickly that marriage was a lot more compromise and a lot less “me” time. It was adjusting to someone else’s schedule (when they wake up, how long of a shower they took, how late they would work, who was going to make dinner, whose friends to have over on the weekend, and the list goes on and on). It was also adjusting to another ones quirks, like leaving dirty socks in the living room, or never remembering to switch the load from the washer to the dryer to name a few. I sat there wondering, had I just made the worst mistake of my life? Maybe I wasn’t ready to be married. I thought the first year was supposed to be the honeymoon year full of lovey dovey romance and blissfully riding off into the sunset, not waiting all alone for someone to get home from work to eat a dinner that is now cold because he is late once again. As I sat there, feeling sorry for myself, I remembered what our pastor had said during our pre-marital counseling, “Marriage is not a walk in the park, there will be a lot of sacrifices made, and challenges to be met, but to always remember Love is a choice, not a feeling” At the time I thought that was kind of odd. In fact I bet my face even showed it because I am pretty sure I scrunched it up, thinking in my head “hmmm did he never fall in love with his wife?” Because I was in love. I was hopelessly and romantically in love. And I could certainly feel it. My heart was overflowing with love.
But as I sat there only a few short months later, I got it. I understood that this was part of love. This was a pinnacle moment where I could choose to love my husband, as I had promised to do in our vows, or I could walk away and decide it wasn’t right for me. Just then my husband came through the door with a huge smile on his face, and came over and kissed me. Thankfully by then the tears had dried, and he didn’t know what I had been thinking. As we sat down to dinner and started to talk about how I had been feeling, I was reminded what made me “fall in love” with him in the first place. He didn’t judge me or make me feel like an awful wife, and he certainly could have. He assured me that this was all new, and it was an adjustment, and that we would get through it together. I realized I not only had someone to come home to, but I had someone to sit down and eat my dinner with (even if it was cold) and that he asked how my day was, and truly cared about the answer. In my heart I choose to love him for the rest of my life from that moment on. To me that night was more significant than our wedding day vows, because it wasn’t a rehearsed line that I was prompted to say, it was a promise not only to myself and to my husband, but also a promise to God.
I think we all get to that point in our marriage where we either can choose to love or we can choose to leave. And sometimes leaving isn’t actually the physical movements of packing up and leaving the house. Sometimes its simply the act of “checking out”of a marriage. Sure you’re still there day in and day out going through the motions, but mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually you have checked out. That is choosing to leave. Without those things your marriage is nothing. It’s an empty vase that is desperately begging to be filled with water and beautiful flowers, yet it just sits there. Empty and alone, and not being used to its fullest potential.
One of Mikes major times to choose love came later in the marriage. After years of not being able to conceive I could see in his eyes he wasn’t feeling the love anymore. We watched friends get pregnant and have babies and I could see he had checked out, maybe not purposely but because it was too painful. Here he was, faced with a life changing decision, stay and possibly never have kids, something he had always dreamed of, or leave. He chose to stay, and when I say stay, he not only stayed in the marriage, but he chose to love me through some of my darkest days. Now to some of you that may seem like an obvious choice, how could a husband leave a wife he claims to love just because she wasn’t sure she could have children. But until you have walked in those shoes you do not know how hard it is. How each and every day he had to pick up the pieces of an emotional mess of a wife who was on so many fertility drugs that she hardly knew herself anymore. Her emotions were not her own, and her heart carried such guilt and pain that it felt like it might kill her. He chose to hold her hand through every devastating doctor apt, and kiss her after she would throw up for hours after bad reactions to the medicines. He chose to love her even when she didn’t love herself.
Romans 5:8 “I loved you at your darkest”
Nearly 10 years, 3 babies, and many cold dinners later…we still have moments when we have to choose to love each other. Sometimes daily. We have things in our lives that still to this day bring us much sorrow and grief. There are days, sometimes weeks, where we both have checked out. When life gets the best of us, and we feel like we can’t possibly muster up the strength to choose love. We have situations that re-occur that cause tremendous stress and makes us fight and say things we don’t mean. But we both come back to that point of choice (after a lot of prayer). We can choose to love or we can choose to leave. We chose to love, the way God has always loved us. Through our imperfections and brokeness. Through our great joys and our deepest sorrows.To love unconditionally. I pray we always do.
Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
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Love this. So many truths. Thanks for the honesty.
Glad you liked it!!
I love the way you wrote this out, like a story. It was lovely and extremely honest. This could probably help couples who felt the same way when you wanted to “check out.” You deserve more “likes” on this post!
Wow thank you from the bottom of my heart!! This comment means the world to me!! So glad you liked it and could relate. That’s what I was hoping for. Thanks again for the sweet words! Xo
Lovely. Like you said in the post “Marriage is not a walk in the park…” I think alot of couples forget that thinking once they’ve married they don’t need to make an effort to keep the love going. It’s no wonder why everyone is separating or getting a divorce!
So true Agatha! Once you’re married the true effort begins!
Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing your story. It is a great reminder to us all to choose love daily!
Thank you so much Alyssa! I really appreciate the sweet words <3 So glad you liked it 🙂
I love this, and I speaking from the husbands point of view. I couldnt agree more with all of this.
This is so true: “I think we all get to that point in our marriage where we either can choose to love or we can choose to leave. And sometimes leaving isn’t actually the physical movements of packing up and leaving the house. Sometimes its simply the act of “checking out”of a marriage.”
If we all understood this along with the truth that love truly is a choice, the world would be a better place! Thanks for sharing your heart and these words of wisdom with us.
Blessings to you and yours!
Thank you so much!! Marriage is definitely no walk in the park, and I just wanted my readers to know they wernt alone, and that their marriage is worth fighting for <3 God Bless!
Wow! As a woman who struggled with infertility for many, many year, I can relate to your struggle more than you know. At one point my husband actually forbid me from taking any more pregnancy tests – for both of our sanity, but mostly because it broke his heart when the negative broke my heart. Yet, God had plans that we didn’t understand, and five beautiful babies later, He has proven more than faithful. Thank you for being so transparent about your struggle, journey and your marriage. Also, thank you so much for linking this on Motivate and Rejuvenate Monday!
Beautiful post! Thanks so much for the transparency. I loved how you described marriage when checking out has happen. I can definitely relate. “It’s an empty vase that is desperately begging to be filled with water and beautiful flowers, yet it just sits there. Empty and alone, and not being used to its fullest potential.”
In marriage, when we make a choice to love in those moments, we fill that vase back up and nurture the flowers to keep them beautiful. Marriage is work but it is so worth it. I agree with StylewithJoy that this post deserves more likes.
Thank you so much JCEE!! I appreciate that so much!! This wasnt an easy one for me to write, so the support means a lot 🙂
You’re very welcome! Enjoy your weekend! 🙂
I remember a similar experience and lesson when I was about to get married. Thanks for linking this with us at Grace & Truth!
I’m so glad you linked to this in your award answers so I got a chance to read it . . . I’ve written about this very thing and couldn’t agree with you more. You stated it so well: “Nearly 10 years, 3 babies, and many cold dinners later…we still have moments when we have to choose to love each other. Sometimes daily. We have things in our lives that still to this day bring us much sorrow and grief. There are days, sometimes weeks, where we both have checked out. When life gets the best of us, and we feel like we can’t possibly muster up the strength to choose love.” Being married is hard work. Forever is a long time! 😉 But the rewards are great. THANK YOU for sharing.
This is beautiful! So sorry you went through these struggles, but it is wonderful that you two made it through even stronger. I have always disliked when people say divorce is not an option. It always is there, none of us are shackled to the marriage. I want to have a happy marriage. Not always perfect. but both of us trying and working to make it as best as possible. We choose everyday to be married, and that is so romantic and special. he chose me out of everyone and I chose him. To keep choosing with all of the stress that life brings is wonderful. We could leave, but we don’t. I don’t want to, I want him and he wants me. I like knowing we do have a choice to leave, but neither of us have ever wanted to go there.
Wow, so beautifully written, so real. Thank you for sharing. It’s true, people say that the first couple years are the honeymoon period, that you’re still newlyweds; but in reality it’s a huge adjustment period and I think we all go though moments like that. All of a sudden you are someone’s wife and you have another person to always be thinking about, often before yourself.
Thanks for sharing your struggle with infertility. I haven’t gone through that myself, but I have heard many stories about the strain that puts on relationships, and i can totally understand why! For many, having children is such a strong, overwhelming desire that I can understand why that might be make or break for some couples. So glad that God pleased your family with beautiful children!
Loved this. I can relate to this like a “t.” Beautiful and choosing to love can be very difficult at times but I’m young and a mother and wife and I completely understand what you are saying in this post.
Very well written. Love truly is a choice. And I have found in that choice we can be creative in looking for ways to love and be loved! Thanks for sharing your heart and experience.
What a beautiful story! My hubs and I have been married for going on four months, and it has been wonderful. I have had to learn, though, that it is not all about me. Shocker, I know! I think God created marriage for our sanctification, and I am so grateful for all the lessons I am learning walking alongside this incredible man.
Aww congrats on the wedding!! ohh 4 months married, that is such a magical yet trying time! I pray that you always communicate and never lose sight of each other.